That Nezu laughed doesn't make it right
by Wickerbot
Summary: Side Story to The Undead Schoolgirl : Dead Pulse. A list of things characters would like other characters to stop doing. Shota Aizawa kindly asks his students, fellow teachers, and random visitors to stop being idiots in list format explaining each stupid thing they did. It doesn't go as planned.
1. Eraserhead Edition

**Students of UAs hero course and visitors of said students.**

 **That I'm putting this up says a lot about how bad of a headache you're all causing me. I don't care if it made Nezu laugh, do not repeat the following. As an added note, just because it's not directed at you doesn't mean I won't expel you if you use someone elses idiocy as inspiration.**

 **Signed, Shota Aizawa.**

* * *

 _ **Class 1-A**_

 **Izuku Midoriya.**

 **1.** Stop trying to sneak into the storage units we keep the zero pointers in to try bench pressing them, it didn't work during the entrance exam why would you try again?  
 **1A.** That it's the perfect measuring stick to confirm you're getting stronger is not an acceptable reason.

 **2.** Stop mentioning your mothers tea around Lunch Rush, he's challenging her to competitions and it makes the break room awkward as hell when he loses and starts sobbing.

 **3.** Stop sharing your lunches with others, it's too spicy.  
 **3A.** Yes it is that bad, you gave Shoto a bowl of curry and now Endeavor is homeless.  
 **3B.** That includes Katsuki too, yes I know he can handle it but it gives him an unfair advantage during battle trials and he keeps tricking other people into eating it.  
 **3C.** Ochaco isn't allowed any either, she's not eating it she's weaponizing it.

 **Katsuki Bakugo**

 **1.** While I can appreciate that you're trying to protect Izuku, that doesn't mean you can grab peoples faces, squeeze until their mouths open, and say 'If you wanted to taste death so bad, you could have just asked me.'  
 **1A.** Or any other verbal or non verbal threat, don't even try that loophole I will strangle you with it.

 **2.** Stop stealing Izukus food and sharing it with other people by pretending it's yours, I don't care if it's 'Funny as all Hell' Mina took a bite and her sweat melted a Mina shaped hole through the floor.

 **3.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to blast him with an Izuku lunch powered Howitzer Impact, just go to Midnight about it, she'll do worse _.  
_ **3A.** That was not a challenge and even if it was, you have no chance at winning against her. She openly carries a flogging whip for fucks sake.

 **Ochaco Uraraka**

 **1.** I don't care if you got approval from her mother, stop wrapping Izuku in pillows and bubble wrap to prepare her for battle trials, she is literally the last person who needs it.  
 **1A.** No, that she's going up against Katsuki doesn't matter, he treats her like spun glass anyway.

 **2.** While I can appreciate that you're trying to protect Izuku, please stop kicking people below the belt, activating your quirk, welcoming them to the UA Space Program, and then shoving a spoonful of Izuku's food into their mouth every time they so much as power walk towards her. The last one you did that to actually started breathing enough fire to rocket into the sky, Air Jet was barely fast enough to stop him from leaving the atmosphere.

 **3.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to activate your quirk on him, tie him up with capture tape, and use his mummified body to 'practice my Comet Home Run'. Midnight will do worse, just let her know.

 **Tenya Iida**

 **1.** While I appreciate your attempts to keep order in the class, please stop chopping the air in front of you, you gave Toru a concussion.

 **2.** Just because Izuku likes pork and liver doesn't mean you should attempt to drink motor oil, stick to drinking milk after working with your quirk.

 **3.** Just because Izuku thought Emergency Exit Iida was a nice nickname doesn't meam you can come to class dressed up as an emergency exit sign.

 **4.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to clothesline him while using Recipro Burst, please just go to Midnight about it, she'll do worse.  
 **4A.** The fact that this is probably the most minor payback you've all done says a lot.

 **Momo Yaoyarozu**

 **1.** Stop using your quirk to make stuff for other students, while the plushies for Izuku were thoughtful Denki has been stuck in stupid mode ever since you made Kyoka that tazer.

 **2.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to create a kanabo, bash his face in, lock him in a coffin, and secure the coffin to the ceiling. Just go to Midnight, she does worse for fun.

 **Shoto Todoroki**

 **1.** While imaginative, please stop bringing graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows to make smores for Izuku to trade for portions of her lunch, you're setting off the fire alarms.  
 **1A.** Stop asking for food from Izuku period, I dont know how you're tricking Endeavor to eat the food but the number of blackened craters where houses used to be is starting to drive investigators insane looking for the Ultrarsonist.

 **2.** Stop calling your father then setting up water bucket over the door pranks when we Endeavor arrives for a PTA we never called him about.  
 **2A.** That doesn't mean forge a PTA notice and then ambush him with a fire extinguisher instead.

 **3.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to say 'fuck it, using my left' and proceed to reenact the Hindenburg Disaster. Report him to Midnight, she'll do worse.

 **Mina Ashido**

 **1.** Stop claiming your bad test scores were due to the fact 'you were on acid' after having filled your shoes with acid with your quirk so a lie detection quirk won't catch it . It's a horrible idea and a terrible pun, it's also going to get you in much more trouble than admitting you forgot to study.

 **2.** Replacing Yugas belt polish with your acid is not funny, it makes everything awkward when he decides to come in wearing a crop top version of the uniform and a leaking belly button.

 **Yuga Aoyama**

 **1.** Don't cut your uniforms into crop tops, they're more expensive than you realize.

 **2.** Stop bringing disco balls to battle trials, it was a cute idea at first but last time you had so many set up you fired a shot and blinded the entire class. They'd been watching through cameras!  
 **2A.** No mirrors either, you managed to shoot yourself in the back of the head. That's not a compliment.

 **Tsuyu Asui**

 **1.** Stop tongue lashing Minoru, you don't know where he's been. Just hit him and wash your hands afterwards.

 **2.** Stop pretending to use the food provided by Lunch Rush to attract flies by randomly shooting your tongue out and fake chewing, his sobbing about flies tasting better than his cuisine is making the break room unbearably awkward.  
 **2A.** Or any other insect.

 **3.** That Neito was taunting Izuku is not grounds to regurgitate your stomach and slap him with it so your stomach toxin smears across his face and gets into his eyes, mouth, and nose. Go to Midnight next time, she'll do worse.

 **Koji Koda**

 **1.** While it was cute the first time please stop controlling animals into treating the girls like movie princesses. Normally I wouldn't care but last time group of deer was bad timing and that corridor is still closed off for cleaning.

 **2.** Izuku is not a bunny, please stop squeezing her with a bear hug every time she decides to wear ribbons, this class s hard enough to control as it is.

 **Denki Kaminari**

 **1.** Stop trying to pick up girls by picking up light bulbs to 'Communicate with fireflies' and make the night beautiful, it's not getting you anywhere.

 **Minoru Mineta**

 **1.** Stop trying to pick up girls by saying your hero name isn't the only juicy thing about you, seriously, I shouldn't have to say why that's a bad idea.

 **Hanta Sero**

 **1.** While I appreciate your attempts to reduce my headaches, shooting tape over Katsukis mouth only delays his outbursts while giving him something else to rage about, stop.

 **2.** Stop swapping toilet paper rolls for rolls of your tape, Present Mic is loud enough without the pain of waxing his asshole.

 **Mezo Shoji**

 **1.** While I understand interest in your quirk is somewhat new to you, if someone comes up to you and asks 'Just how big does your tentacles get?', don't demonstrate, we get enough injured kids we don't need the beds filled with people who fainted with a smile after seeing your four tentacles grow bigger than them.  
 **1A.** Dont show Izuku either, she doesn't have the same intention or reaction but people get the wrong idea.

 **2.** Izuku, thankfully, doesn't actually eat human flesh, stop offering her food when she looks hungry and holding out one of your replicated arms. We don't need another Moonfish.

 _ **Class 1-B**_

 **Hitoshi Shinsou**

 **1.** Stop using your quirk to help Izuku get to places she's not supposed to go, you _know_ her, you know why it's a bad idea.

 **2.** Stop trying to mind control Nezu into telling you what he is, last time you tried it overloaded your quirk so badly you needed daily treatments over the course of a week to make your ears stop bleeding. We know what he is, he's the principal, that is all we need to know.

 **3.** That Neito is taunting Izuku is not grounds to brainwash him into walking to the obstacle course storage room and activate all the mines and Yes, _Midnight can still do worse_ , Please just report him to her.

 **Neito Monoma**

 **1.** Stop taunting Izuku, just stop, if you're doing it _because_ they punish you then just go to Midnight, she can recommend some dating sites.

 **2.** Stop copying Kojis quirk to make birds shit on Katsuki's head, burnt bird shit smells terrible.

 ** _Fellow Teachers_**

 **All-Might**

 **1.** I know teaching is hard but that doesn't mean you can make hero basics into a free period because you lost your script cards.

 **Present Mic**

 **1.** Yes, Izuku is cute, yes, she doesn't know what you're teaching her to say, that doesn't make it a good idea to teach her every swear word you can possibly teach her and how to string them together, last time she went off All-Might nearly died!

 **2.** Stop screaming about how cute Izuku is, literally everyone can hear you, I shouldn't have to explain what that means for certain websites. Yes, the ones the bureau let us know about.

 **Midnight**

 **1.** Stop kidnapping Izuku to watch all the boys in the Hero Course go apeshit looking for her, I don't care if it turns you on.  
 **1A.** At least wait until they're not my problem.

 **2.** Please stop hiding when Neito does something stupid so you can watch the results.

 **3.** Stop listing the students by nicknames, they'll have hero names eventually but we don't need them taking your advise on the subject. Nobody needs a hero named Sugar Daddy, Tentalove, or The Little Death.

 ** _Visitors_**

 **Inko Midoriya**

 **1.** I know she's your daughter and you're proud to watch her grow, but please, stop watching the video reports of how she's doing unless you have towels on the ground. The water damage bill is getting high and we prepare these buildings for people with actual water quirks.

 **Gunhead**

 **1.** Stop encouraging Midnight's habit of dressing Izuku in overly cute bunny based outfits.  
 **1A.** I know you're the one giving Izuku's friends ideas on how to tactically destroy anyone who comes near her, stop it, they're causing too much collateral.

 **2.** If you're bringing a Freedom variation of the hero plushies your agency models for, please make sure they can reload the guns.  
 **2A.** What, you thought I'd be mad? Hell no, it's working wonders on the kids reaction times, but now they're just taking cover until the bullets stop when they should be trying to avoid the bullets.

* * *

 **That's all for now. Keep it that way.**

 **Shota Aizawa.**

Nezu looked at the paper Aizawa had put copies of all over the school, and grinned before sending out a school-wide email.

Aizawa looked at his phone as it buzzed, as did most of the students phones. He looked at it to see a new email from Nezu, and groaned as he read it.

 **Shota's idea is perfect, from now on, if anyone has an issue, please, let me know so I can add it to the official U.A. Darwin Awards List!**


	2. Vlad King Edition

Sekijiro looked over the email Nezu sent, as well as Shota's list as he rubbed his chin with his index and thumb. "... Why not, I can think of a few things." He said as he pulled up his word processor. ** _  
_**

* * *

 **Students of UAs hero course and visitors of said students.**

 **I agree with Aizawa the idiocy competitions need to stop. To my fellow teachers, you're adults, act like it.**

 **Signed, Sekijiro Kan.**

* * *

 _ **Class 1-B**_

 **Hitoshi Shinsou**

 **1.** Stop starting arguments with the entire student body whenever you don't want to deal with a crowded hallway. While it's a clever use of your quirk the sheer amount of parental complaints has Nezu building paperwork forts.

 **2.** Stop imitating Aizawa's happy face when you need to scare someone away from Izuku, those parental complaints are being used to create an Air Force for the fort.

 **3.** Stop kidnapping Izuku from Class 1-A.  
 **3.** I don't care if she's a 'precious cinnamon bun', put her back.

 **Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu**

 **1.** While I appreciate the self awareness, stop signing your name by writing down Fe x4.

 **2.** Stop kidnapping Izuku from Class 1-A.  
 **2A.** I don't care if you don't think they can keep her safe, put her back.

 **Neito Monoma**

 **1.** Stop giving Izuku random pieces of food you've disguised as pork, not only is it not working but it's getting difficult to get you back after you're sent flying by her friends.

 **2.** Stop trying to convince Ibara that the members of Class 1-A are 'Witches' and 'Heretics' who must be burned. She's been catching her hair vines on fire collecting torches for the witch hunt.

 **3.** Stop convincing Tetsutetsu to kidnap Izuku so she misses on lessons. It usually ends up being Midnight's classes she misses and then I get the flak for it.

 **4.** Stop provoking Class 1-A outside of hero training, it just makes you look bad and you're not making any progress in beating them.

 **Itsuka Kendo**

 **1.** Stop neck chopping Neito, just straight up punch him with your quirk active.  
 **1A.** Yes, I'm being serious, this is getting ridiculous.

 **Pony Tsunotori**

 **1.** Stop rocketing through the halls with your horns. Last time you flew into Izuku and your horns pinned her to a pair of lockers, there was blood _everywhere_!  
 **1A.** I'm not Shota Aizawa, I'm not going to expel you for being late if you have a proper reason.

 **2.** Stop listening to Neito, just stop.

 **Setsuna Tokage**

 **1.** Stop walking around pretending you're a dullahan.  
 **1A.** That doesn't mean convince Izuku to do it for you.

 **2.** Stop offering handshakes to random people and then popping off your hand with your quirk, Present Mic destroyed every window in the school last time you pulled that one. The windows are bulletproof for God's sake.

 **Kinoko Komori**

 **1.** Stop growing edible mushrooms on the food you get at Lunch Rush's cafeteria, his sobbing about his cuisine being used as 'fungus food' is unbearable.2

 **2.** Please be aware of what the mushrooms look like before you grow and eat them, Recovery Girl's office is full as it is.  
 **2A.** Dear lord, do not use them to represent what boys need to date you! Stay away from Midnight outside of class!

 **Yotetsu Awase**

 **1.** Stop challenging Katsuki and Togaru to swearing competitions.

 **2.** Using your quirk to weld socks to the insides of your pants is not an appropriate use of your quirk.  
 **2A.** No, it doesn't count as an intimidation tactic and even if it did, do you really think I'm that stupid?

 **Sen Kaibara**

 **1.** While I appreciate the self awareness, and the fact you memorized a song that old, please stop declaring your latest crush by going up to people and singing 'You Spin Me Round'.  
 **1A.** Or it's more adult flavored remix. Especially not it's more adult flavored remix.

 **2.** 'I can drill you better than he ever could.' while making your arm spin and gesturing downward is not the appropriate reaction to 'I have a boyfriend.'.  
 **2A.** I don't care if it works!

 **Togaru Kamakiri**

 **1.** Stop responding to girls asking you out violently, they don't want to eat your head.

 **2.** Stop challenging Katsuki and Yotetsu to swearing competitions.  
 **2A.** Stop threatening Katsuki with your blades when you lose, the collateral damage is expensive on it goes to my paycheck.

 **3.** Stop attaching knives to the school roombas.

 **Shihai Kuroiro**

 **1.** Stop using dark corners to jump scare teachers, you pulled that on All-Might and he punched half the building into the ocean. We're not even near the coast, it's on the opposite side of Musutafu!  
 **1A.** Don't scare your fellow students either, you startled that girl from the Support Course while her arms were full and the resulting explosion set off an Earthquake Alert across Japan!

 **2.** Stop hiding in peoples shadows to avoid having to walk.

 **Yui Kodai**

 **1.** Stop trying to make Izuku bigger, I know you want to see the look on her friends faces but if it works there's going to be a lot of questions nobody wants to deal with.  
 **1A.** Except Nezu, but that's really just more proof you shouldn't do it.

 **2.** Stop throwing your hat at people, it isn't a boomerang.

 **Ibara Shiozaki**

 **1.** Stop kidnapping Izuku from Class 1-A.  
 **1A.** I don't care if holy water didn't work and therefore she is 'A Second Coming', put her back.

 **2.** You were given the okay to create a Bible Club, not to recreate The Inquisition and start forcibly converting people. I don't know why I didn't expect this.  
 **2A.** Present Mic don't you dare...

 **Jurota Shishida**

 **1.** Stop trying to swing around on Ibara's vines.

 **2.** Stop trying to steal Eraserheads sleeping bag to take naps, the man will kill you for that.

 **Nirengeki Shoda**

 **1.** Stop saying Rule Number One whenever you're asked about class, people are getting the wrong idea.

 **2.** Stop tapping your face lightly, then running screaming we're under attack from '5th dimensional beings' before activating your quirk and acting knocked out.

 **Kosei Tsuburaba**

 **1.** Stop creating solid air walls randomly in the halls.

 **2.** Stop pretending to walk on water, Ibara's fainted and missed classes thanks to you doing that in front of her.

 **3.** Stop asking Ibara to tie you up in public. I've seen how you act in training, you don't want escape practice.

 **Manga Fukidashi**

 **1.** Stop saying Bow-Chicha-Bow-Wow when you hear perverted comments, it counts for your quirk, and nobody needs to see that.

 **2.** Stop making the lenny face whenever someone makes a normal moment that can be twisted into a perverted one.

 **Juzo Honenuki**

 **1.** While I appreciate your attempts to help reduce bullying in the school, stop panting people by activating your quirk on their pants. Just let a teacher know.

 **2.** Using your quirk to come into class by swimming under the wall and up into your seat isn't going to get you out of being late, please don't risk the schools structural integrity for a plan that doesn't work.

 **Kojiro Bondo**

 **1.** Stop putting your quirks glue onto random objects, as it is we've had to replace multiple doors, a two sets of lockers, and one of Snipe's hats.

 **Reiko Yanagi**

 **1.** Stop helping Nezu use his paperwork Air Force to attack random students.

 **2.** Stop using your quirk on random objects near Thirteen, they're jumpy as it is after the USJ incident.

 **Hiryu Rin**

 **1.** Stop running up to people with your quirk active, hissing like a reptile, claiming your brethren will soon rise.

 **Osore Dendo**

 **1.** I don't know where you got that old television cassette but stop playing it, do you have any idea how awkward it is for a U.A. student to get better hero training from an evil spirit?

 **2.** Stop kidnapping Izuku from Class 1-A.

 **2A.** I don't care if she's there for moral support, put her back.

 _ **Class 1-A**_

 **Izuku Midoriya**

 **1.** Stop accepting offers for a fist bump. Hiryu had his scales out and you still embedded him into a wall.  
 **1A.** No High Fives either, every bone in Neito's arm and hand was dislocated and he didn't realize they weren't going to pop themselves back into place until his quirk wore off.

 **2.** Stop throwing body parts at Reiko to see if she can manipulate them, Ryo's giving her therapy for when you threw your still bleeding head at her and has been for the last week.

 **3.** Stop letting members of my class kidnap you.

 **Katsuki Bakugo**

 **1.** Stop whipping your hands at fellow classmates outside of sparring. Nitroglycerin is volatile and it's disgusting.  
 **1A.** That said, good work on creating a new super move kid.

 **2.** Please stop launching your class's Tetsutetsu through the wall when someone in Class 1-B is 'too damn loud'.  
 **2A.** Or whenever Izuku goes missing. There's a door, knock in on it, gently.

 **Ochaco Uraraka**

 **1.** Stop Yeeting Neito every time you see him come within a twenty yard radius of Izuku.  
 **1A.** Or when he starts ranting about how he'll upstage Class 1-A **  
1B.** You know what just stop yeeting him.

 **2.** Slapping someone and activating your quirk at the same time to launch them into a nearby wall is not the appropriate react to a perverted comment.  
 **2A.** Keep it in your pocket for villain monologues though, shit like that goes a long way towards making hostages feel safe.

 **Tanya Iida**

 **1.** Don't run in the halls, you ran into Setsuna and she was scattered through half the building.  
 **1A.** I don't care if you were trying to get to class twenty minutes early and couldn't be late.

 **2.** Stop offering to help female students get to class by carrying them to class with your quirk active, it's why they're coming in late in the first place.  
 **2A.** Don't help Midnight either, it should be fairly obvious why she's doing it.

 **Momo Yaoyarozu**

 **1.** While I'll admit Neito needs to stop trying to provoke you, stop creating plushies from Gunhead 'Freedom' series and surrounding Izuku with them, he's setting them all off and ruining lunch hour.

 **2.** Stop bribing Yui with matryoshka dolls to get her to embarrass Neito whenever he moves to provoke you, there's really no need. He embarrasses himself enough in those attempts without her help.  
 **2A.** I'd ask her to stop doing it but she does need to help keep Neito in line.

 **Eijiro Kirishima**

 **1.** 'I'm Rock Hard!' is a terrible battle cry, and you should realize why.

 **2.** Just because Tetsutetsu does better after a meal that's high in iron doesn't mean you should start eating rock salt! How are you even alive!?  
 **2A.** I swear to god if you drank sea water...

 **Denki Kaminari**

 **1.** Stop making electricity arc between your fingers and sticking your tongue between them, not only is it revolting but you're zapping your own tongue.  
 **1A.** That doesn't mean do it without electricity.

 **Mina Ashido**

 **1.** Stop giving boys vials of acid when they ask you out saying they need to 'pass the test' to date you, they're actually doing it, Recovery Girl's demanding to know who did it.  
 **1A.** Run.

 _ **Fellow Teachers**_

 **Midnight**

 **1.** Stop corrupting my class, damn it!

 **Aizawa Shota**

 **1.** I get it, you work nights as an underground hero, but stop taking naps in random places around the school. You look like a big orange caterpillar and Present Mic keeps annihilating sections of the building whenever he opens a closet/cupboard/locker that you just so happen to be sleeping in.  
 **1A.** Wearing earplugs so he doesn't wake you when that happens is _not the solution._

 **2.** Stop dropping off Izuku in my class to punish your students.  
 **2A.** I don't care if it works at getting them back in line, take her back.

 **All-Might**

 **1.** Stop canceling class whenever you're about to run out of time. Either use your time better or let people know you're sucking in your gut.

 **Present Mic**

 **1.** I understand phobias but stop screaming every time you see Togaru outside of class, you're stroking his ego a bit too much.

 **2.** Stop coming up with nicknames for our students. Calling Pony 'Ms. Down to Ride' is something I'd expect from Midnight, not you.

* * *

Sekijiro Kan chuckled to himself before sending the file to Nezu. "That should do it..."

* * *

Shota's eye twitched as he looked at the latest addition to the U.A. Student Paper.

 **The U.A. Darwin Awards, Vlad King Edition!**

"... Damn it."


End file.
